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[03 Jul 2009|06:15pm] |
I've been off this blog for way too long!
Korea was good. Was pissy about the peculiar behavior of dadmum, but who cares right. Shopping was GREAT! It's a place i would go back for winter and shopping. ;)
I still struggle with RA, though i must say it has improved over the past 2-3 weeks. Saw my rheumy again. Closer to biologic therapy, but at least not for another 2 months. I think it's both frustrating for both me and my rheumy. But heck. At least now i have another nsaid to help with the pain. ;)
After a long hiatus from trying to change my lifestyle, i need to pull up my socks and dive back into it again. Either i do it, or i don't at all. It'll require immense effort, and i really hope that it does work out in the long run... Anyways, my skin is clearing *hurray!* due to the Pill i'm on. I hope it improves even further!!! I hate being ugly and fat! *aargh*
Since there's no school this week due to home-based learning, i've been watching TV for hours on end and eating. Doing nothing really. 2 more days left. I need to buck up on the presentation slides. 5 projects due in the next 2 weeks, none of which have been properly done. *pfft*
Oh wells. It's back to status quo soon!
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[14 Jun 2009|12:08am] |
I've actually been working very hard these days. I usually do well until night comes, and i fail. :( I think i need to find a way not to stay at home at night. I can't stand bingeing, but it's something i do quite frequently, and it doesn't do anything to help with the thick waistline. Purging is a good way to remedy that, but it takes too long and too much effort. *sigh*
Everybody has their dreams. I'm entitled to mine. I'll try my best, and i'll do anything to get it now. :(
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[05 Jun 2009|01:05am] |
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God is GREAT. Even when i drifted further from Him.
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[31 May 2009|10:32pm] |
I'm so fucking tired of staring at my arms in disgust when i'm outside in t shirts. Many of my tshirts have really short sleeves, and i feel like everyone is staring at them because they are so disgustingly flabby! Gosh.
And bloody hell. I really can't kick my bad eating habits. It's like "i must stop snacking and eating those junk", but later on i'll go "i gotta eat something! if not i'll over compensate later!" and then i'll go back to my old habits. Yes i've tried to eat much less, but like after 2 days, my mind gives up and i start bingeing. That's the very reason why crash dieting fails. Except that i only last 2 days. LMAO.I'm such a big joke.
Extrinsic motivation doesn't really help. So i have to find a way to make myself intrinsically motivated. This is going to be way hard- returning at least to status quo... Sighsies. I'm such a failure at everything...
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[28 May 2009|11:14pm] |
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I want a ribbon tattoo!!! The flower idea thingy is still at the back of my head because i just cannot find a good enough idea to pitch it to my tattooist, and that i haven't seen any that i like enough... The ribbon on the other hand, is quite a norm and common. ;)))
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[26 May 2009|11:56pm] |
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I think i'm some big bastard. Why do i say things that hurt the people i love?
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[25 May 2009|10:42pm] |
I've been a little over absorbed with my flawed body. Yes i've put on a fair bit of weight since my thinner days. I'm ashamed to have let it happen. I can't stand for it anymore because i feel like i've been getting stared at because of how i look, and that i've been said by many to have put on weight. Wouldn't it be nice for a change if someone asked if you have lost weight? I think it'll be refreshing and confidence-boosting. :)
I just have to overcome thing notion that i can eat whenever i want to, and whatever that i please. It has become such a habit that i can eat even when i'm not hungry. I can do that on saturdays because i'm busy teaching, but past that, tough!!! I tried it again today, and obviously i failed. Quite miserably at that too. :( I don't know what i lost, but 2 kg was quite substantial for me over the weekend. And for that, i shall motivate myself to continue and not give up!!!
I know i may never be skinny in my life, but i want to at least return to my thinner self. Ballet class has been the worse so far because the leotard and tights are unforgiving, and so are the mirrors. Doesn't help that all my classmates are skinny/thin... *hmph*
It's do or die steph!
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[24 May 2009|08:22pm] |
Been a feeling a little down and out. Friday night- was feeling nauseous and sick to my stomach. Woke up on saturday morning cos' my heart was beating fast and hard. My arms and legs were trembling. Figured i was low on sugar, so i drank milo. Vomitted every single bit of it out after that. Went on to teach for the rest of the day. Came home and slept early. Woke up this morning again with my heart pounding and my limbs shaking. So i ate peanut butter and some cereal. Felt better only after awhile. Almost slept through the whole day because i felt unwell. A bad sore throat came early in the evening. And even though i was trying to diet, i relented and ate some bread and maggi noodles. It's amazing how i lost 2 kg over 2 days, but i think i was feeling ill because i was eating lesser.
Now the school week is starting again.I haven't done the presentation slides that i needed to do. Just hoping that all these annoying symptoms will go away. I'm blaming it on the meds, but i really don't know. I've not been sick for many years, so this isn't time for my to fall sick.
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[19 May 2009|12:24am] |
I've been neglecting this blog for a while... :(
As i've mentioned in my other blog, i've had 4 good days so far(ie. minimal/no pain, stiffness, swelling), and i was actually feeling very optimistic about it. But i had to have a flare up today, and now my hopes have been downtrodden. Why does it always happen that i get a flare up when i intend to go to the gym??? *hmph* I have a feeling my meds are going to work this time round, but i'm paranoid of any side effects. But then again, i'll be fine as it has always been.
1st driving lesson tomorrow. I'm gonna die!!!
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[12 May 2009|12:55am] |
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I know i'll be just fine, as usual.
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[11 May 2009|02:22am] |
I mused and contemplated today. And on a few occasions, i explored death. My own death- how i would die, when i would die... I'm not afraid of death so to speak, and i would be able to give up my life anytime. Of course i wouldn't be able to cope with the demise of others, which is also why i wouldn't mind dying before others... *hmm* I'm curious to know, but there's no knowing until it happens... So till then, i've got to concentrate on my existence in this world. I won't go on because i'm sounding like an emo kid. I'm feeling very anti-social, and am very reluctant to go to school. I have yet to revise any of my work, and i feel that there is an imminent risk of not doing well anymore. I calculated that even if i did well on all my modules but get a C for my clinicals, it would barely suffice because the GPA would only hover around 3... Bad. No? I'm exceedingly afraid of that, but i must accept that we do fail at certain things. *sigh* So the only thing i can do is to ace everything else, and hope for the best with my clinicals. I feel like i don't deserve anything, simply because i don't do anything to deserve anything.
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[06 May 2009|10:38pm] |
I'm so glad i saw my rheumy today... Though admittedly i was so scared that my blood test would turn out normal because my joints suddenly calmed down when it was time to take blood. Lol... Surprisingly everything was good except that my ESR was high, which was good because at least it indicated some form of inflammation. And my luck, some joints started to get angry during midday, so she could catch some swelling... A sister was in the room as well, probably to do clinical pathway? And it was so funny when my rheumy told her i was a nursing student. Haha.
We're trying to max the doses for triple therapy without trying to affect my liver. So only if this still doesn't work, we'll move on to the expensive ones. I revealed to my rheumy about how dadmum could afford it but was reluctant, and i thought she'd get peeved, but she was fine with it.I know i said i'll pay for it myself,but $1000 a month??? Wtf man... I mean i could, but only if i start getting sponsored by NUH with $900/month.... I've started paying for everything else though... Feels good. :) It was weird cos' it dawned upon my doctor that i actually have been with her for quite a long while, and it's still not in control yet. But it was only because my stupid liver was acting up cos' prior to that, i was still quite ok.
I gotta go sleep. It never fails to happen that i'll get a bad flare after i see my rheumy... Feeling like an old granny again, so i'm going to seek respite in my bed and some shuteye...
p.s. i feel that i don't sound coherant in this entry, or at least my grammer or sentence structuring is all wrong. what's wrong with me today!?
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[05 May 2009|12:36am] |
It's easy to forget updating this blog...
Here comes the time again when i'm exceedingly desperate. Desperate to not let the last 2 months be part of my imagination, and to let it be as real as possible so that it doesn't repeat again. But it's not that easy because nobody will know and can tell... *sigh* We'll see...
In the meanwhile, i think the swine flu came at a very untimely moment. And yes although we should take precautions, i think it's been over-exaggerated here. The flu bug comes and goes,and the thing is, the doctors and scientists all knew that this was already coming because somehow there's a pattern for such epidemics/pandemics... I hope it blows over soon cos' i've got clinicals in july and i don't want to make up for it just because medical and nursing students are banned from the hospitals.
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[28 Apr 2009|01:01am] |
Once again, i'm not exactly having the time of my life. Rather, i've not been on a joy ride for a looooooooong time... Things come and go, but i'm not back to status quo yet... 2009 seems to be a pretty abominable year for anything, as far as things went for about 4 months... 2008 seemed more ideal. No point lamenting though...
I've practically been wasting my days away. I find i need lesser sleep in the night. But i always come home feeling so tired, which of course then leads me to nap like crazy. Watching more TV too. Trying to savour 'good things' while they last... It's only week 2. Busier days have yet to come, but till then...
I've been toying with the idea of resuming steroids, but after today's lecture on how steroids(hormones or drugs) can inadvertently affect me despite it's good therapeutic effects, the thought scared the daylights out of me once again. Comtemplating still, but only out of desperation.
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[26 Apr 2009|11:21pm] |
Everything that i wanted to do over the weekend has not been done- as usual. *sigh* I got my paycheck for March(so late!!!)... Oh well... I've not been saving as much as i'd like to... But at least my account is not empty towards the end of the month...
I'm feeling very anti-social these days... I think it's good to just break away from people for a while... Obviously i can't do that much cos' of school. But even in school, i get so annoyed with some people. Methinks it's me- i'm the annoying one who gets onto people's nerves.
And heck. I'm an 'ah lian' because i got a tattoo, and got piercings? At least i'm doing well academically... People these days are SO superficial and narrow-minded.
I'm turning into a nutcase soon. I have no idea why the meds are taking so long to take effect. Into the 7th week already and still nothing... I know i should quit whining. Nobody gives 2 hoots, and i shouldn't either.
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[24 Apr 2009|11:07pm] |
I apologise for whining again... But the back of my knee is hurting again, and i think this is something to do with soft tissues rather than my own condition. I reckon that it'll be brushed aside again if i bring it up, so if it's gonna persist... I just have to find another way around it because rheumatologists are not sports doctors yeah? *sigh* And my bloody damn foot hurts again, not in the way like stepping on marbles, but like someone used a huge hammer to whack the bottom of my foot, and it feels exceedingly bruised after that.
For that, i missed gym again. I think i should not eat on days when i feel i'm in no good shape for the gym, cos' usually output is little, and because of pain, intake is more. *sigh*
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[23 Apr 2009|11:59pm] |
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I ate too much, did too little, just for today. :( I wanted to go to the gym, but i was just so tired, i conked out on the couch.*sigh*
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[23 Apr 2009|12:49am] |
Joy! I finally dragged myself to the gym since my joints were much better from all that walking around and climbing of stairs(exercising helps nevertheless). And since i have been there after last Friday, i pushed myself and did at least 50 min of cardio. I don't know how much i burnt, but i know if keep going to the gym, i'd at least shed some flab eh...
I can safely say that it's not fun at all when my toes flare up, because really(even when i was a kid), it felt like i was stepping on marbles with every step. My big toe is worse. I change my gait when it flares cos' it hurts like fucking crap.I don't know if i overcompensate with other muscles, but it's not good for dance at least... I should bring it up to my doc. My knee is better now too *hurray!*. ;)
School is fine. No idea why i automatically shut off during psychology-related modules. Keep falling asleep, which is no good at all because i'm weak at psychology. Our mainstay tutor afterall, is quite comical and thorough. I hope she guides us well(because lab tutors play a major role in developing us as nurses) for the whole year!!! :) Research methods can be SO BORING. We're doing Statistics too, but i have no idea what's in for yet...
Did i mention we only have 11 weeks of school? 2 weeks of break in somewhere in between, and then we go for 4 freaking weeks in the ward. Then exam time... I don't even know if we get to have study break. *gah*
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[21 Apr 2009|11:11pm] |
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Tough luck. I can't see my rheumy tomorrow. But the nurse(whom usually works with my rheumy) was nice(i didn't know she was that nice! haha), and i was only able to bring my appointment forward by a week... *bleah*
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[20 Apr 2009|11:22pm] |
School's fine. I'm only guessing i'll struggle a little with my weak topics like psychology, and heavy modules like adult nursing... Hmm. I have only 11 weeks of school, with 2 weeks break in between, and off i go for 4 weeks of attachment *SIGH* at medical, OBGYN(this is such an american term...) wards. Then exams after that. I can't imagine it man... *groans*
I'm getting a flare-up in my stupid knee again- can't go to the gym! My fingers are damn annoying and so are my elbow and wrists. I'm very tempted to seemy rheumy this coming wednesday though i'm not due to see her till May... I'll see how it goes...
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